If you're new to dating, and you just so happened to receive your first "yes" to asking someone out, this is what you should do.
You finally managed to asked someone out, or perhaps you've asked many different people out, and you finally got someone to answer yes to your request. Once all the butterflies leave your stomach, and the excitement emanating from these new, unfamiliar feelings die down, you'll be left with a new conundrum. How do I talk to the person I asked out before the first date, and how should I go about creating and scheduling the date? Moreover, how should I act during the date, what questions should ask, and how should I present myself?
There is no one overarching answer to these questions, but there a series of strategies and tactics that foster and improve one's chances at creating a great relationship.
Strategy 1: Don't jump the gun.
There is an easy and quick way to end any potential relationship, and that's to ask questions that are far too prying and inappropriate given your lack of association with someone. If you're asking someone out on a date, you are at most, friends, and at least, somewhat acquainted strangers. There is no basis to ask someone like that for private and revealing details about past tragedies, mental or physical conditions, and/or anything of a sexual nature. Such questions are likely to scare off prospective partners, and create the appearance that you're desperate, socially inept, or creepy.
However, at the same time it's important to ask questions that reveal whether you and that other person are compatible; whether you and they share the same goals and values. To compromise between risk and reward, reckless curiosity versus the necessity of inquiry, one must simply focus on five simple questions:
1 - How many relationships have you had in the past?
2 - What kind of relationship are you looking for?
3 - How many children would you want to have with your partner?
4 - Are you looking to get married, or does marriage sound like too much of a commitment to you?
5 - What are your spiritual beliefs (i.e. what is your religious orientation)?
First of all, keep in mind that none of these questions should be posited in the first-person. For example, don't ask if that person would be willing to marry you, it creates a sense that you're asking the other to commit to you in some way, or that you'll begin to develop expectations of the other right off the bat. All that will achieve is intimidation and possibly scare the other off, because even if they're looking to get married eventually, they don't know you well enough to think of themselves getting married to you.
Second, these questions are meant to communicate the values and goals of each party. They not only reveal the kind of relationship both prospective partners are seeking, but provide a gateway into the personality and character of that person. Someone who is seeking marriage is more likely to be purpose and goal-oriented, as well as more faithful, loyal, and forgiving; moreover, they are more likely to demand high standards of you, and to be more skeptical. These are not easy people to cheat, leave, or lie to; so don't ever assume you can just enter a relationship with them while maintaining all your flaws and lack of self-imposed standards. On the other hand, people who answer that they are reluctant or unwilling to have children demonstrate the characteristics of indecisiveness and lacking reliability.
Third, the spiritual is important! While it may seem possible to foster a close relationship between people of two different religious beliefs, it's simply not; keep in mind the degree to which this relationship is supposed to be cohesive. You're not just going to be friends, you're going to be partners, and to be such, you both must share the same goals and values. The goals and values of two different religions tend to depart significantly; moreover, it creates tension with regards to moral behavior and child rearing. How would one have a productive debate with one's atheistic partner if you objected to them watching porn, arguing it was a form of cheating based on your Christian morality. All that would likely occur is both partners would have to agree to disagree, or separate, and neither option is a positive outcome.
Of course, these are not the only questions one should ask, but they do provide a framework for the most important and relevant factors to consider when dating. Remember, you are dating, you are testing the waters to see if you want to continue and form an official relationship, and the other person involved is doing the same. Don't forget that either one of you can drop things immediately. When making a value judgement regarding whether or not one should pursue something further, there are a few other relevant questions that may indicate the quality of the other person, as well as how much you'd likely enjoy being with that person. Here some examples:
1 - What are your interests/hobbies?
2 - What do you like to do in your free time?
3 - What are your favorite foods, movies, sports, etc?
None of these questions should result in answers that serve as deal breakers unless the answers contain clear violations to one's values, or if one is rather superficial. For example, if someone mentions they like to spend virtually all their free time gaming, it may be sound for one to reject that person on the basis that they're seeking an active relationship.
Strategy 2: The date should allow for open discussion, some degree of privacy, little investment, and an escape route.
Asking someone to the movies is not only cliched, it's a great example of a terrible first date idea. This is because watching a movie is a silent activity which affords little time for social interaction and inquiry. The best first date settings allow one to:
1 - Have a conversation: you need to understand the other person better, and the best way to do that is to have a conversation with them. Going to a carnival, amusement park, or movie doesn't foster discussion, because you and that other person's attention is constantly being drawn to something else. A trip to a cafe or relatively uncrowded shopping center could provide a perfect setting for the two of you to simply have a conversation, and ask the aforementioned revealing questions.
2 - Have privacy: it's awkward going on a first date, but it's even more awkward and embarrassing to put yourself out there while being surrounded by a lot of strangers. After all, you might have to ask and answer some rather personal questions.
3 - Not be expensive: the rule of thumb is that a first date should not exceed the cost of $25 for either person involved. There is no reason to invest much money into what may be a short-lived attempt at creating a relationship. Moreover, it might create an expectation in one person that the other will pay for expensive gifts and dates in the future; or that the other person is shallow and shows off their wealth by making poor investments.
4 - Be easy to opt out of: your date might be a total creep. They could appear great in the place you met them, and come to the date looking and acting completely different. It's not a great idea to participate in a date that's difficult to leave with someone you don't know. A classic example is meeting at a restaraunt where you're expected past a certain point to remain there until the bill is presented to you. If your date starts to act in a highly inappropriate manner, there might be no way for you to leave without doing so awkwardly and making a scene.
Strategy 3: Put on your best self.
This is not a recommendation to present a false front. One day, the real you will come to light, and keeping up a lie is exhausting and self-promulgating. Rather, this is advice to not put all your cards on the table, only the best ones. It's not trickery, it's just placing your most desirable characteristics on display, instead of revealing that embarrassing tendency to burp after eating, or your proclivity towards fast food, or your affinity for weird sci-films. Essentially, the entire strategy centers around not embarrassing yourself too much; a little is fine, even desirable given its capacity to make one appear as more authentic. There are some things one should do to place their best foot forward, including:
1 - If it seems too embarrassing to share, it probably is: it's not advisable to share those strange, eccentric parts of yourself just yet, unless you can believe with some degree of certainty that it would come off as charming. The same applies to details about yourself that are gross or just plain weird. Save it for later, if there's even something between the two of you in the future.
2 - Take a shower, dress nice, put on deodorant, and groom yourself: It seems self-explanatory that one should be clean and well-dressed, but it's not so obvious to what extent one should do so. It's not an anniversary date, so dressing as if one is attending a fancy restaurant is not appropriate. In fact, doing so may hurt your chances, as it will make you appear as excessively conceited or self-important. People can appreciate it when you're nicely dressed, but not when you're dressed to stand out in a situation that doesn't warrant it. Moreover, being clean and smelling nice are signs to the other that you know how, and care enough, to take care of yourself. Anything less will make you come off as lazy or disgusting.
3 - Refrain from showing your ugly side: there's not much purpose in using profanity or reacting hyperbolically in any situation, but especially not during your date. We all experience moments where we break down, or where we curse in response to being hurt or failing, but it certainly doesn't give off a good appearance. The best way to avoid letting your ugly side break through the cracks during a date is to try to think of the situation as impersonal; almost like a professional courtesy. You're not there to be judged or judge the other; just think of it as a litmus test for an applicant to a new job opening. It may seem absurd to think of it in these terms, but it helps one to remember that as hurt as you might be by things the other may or may not say, neither of you is really invested in anything solid.
These tips apply to all first dates, but they're especially important on the very first one a person can experience, because one failure of a date can naturally set expectations for future ones to be just as disastrous. These tips should ensure that one avoids the hurdles that come with that first date, and hopefully, they will facilitate the creation of a new relationship between two happy, committed partners.
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